Things to Consider Before Dating... Whether It's a Motorcyclist, or a Mutant

I've had a couple of people mention how encouraging it is to read some of my more personal tribulations; folks, perhaps like yourself, who are dealing with relationship troubles or a broken heart.  Boy do I understand that!  Coincidentally there have been several cheeky articles floating around in social media about Why You Should Date a Motorcyclist, or Why You Should Date a Woman Who Rides.  These are all well and good but I have to say that there really are no guarantees of who you're going to end up with.  After all, motorcyclists are people just like everyone else and some of them are uhh... well a little sketchy in the "character" department to say the least.

My friend isn't actually a sketchy character, but I thought this awkward family photo would help illustrate my point.  Plus I find it utterly hilarious.  (No babies were traumatized in the taking of this pic)

So you should probably beware that it's not always all it's cracked up to be. More importantly, I think that these articles (while cute and well intended) add to a problem of reducing motorcyclists (particularly women who ride) to a novelty population of people who are attractive primarily because well they are chicks... on bikes! But rest assured, I'm not just making this claim to be difficult here.  Especially since one of those articles was originally hosted by one of my motorcycling brethren and I tend to respect my peers. I've been dealing with the novelty crap for years. There are more instances than I care to admit where I've heard a guy say: "I just want to date a chick-on-a-bike and you're pretty hot." Trust me folks, there are no shortage of men who would love to find themselves a cute chick on a bike.  Just like there are no shortage of male motorcyclists who know how to walk into a bar with a helmet and use their bike as a chick-magnet. But when we say we want to date (implying some sense of longevity) or we resolve to "find love in 2014"... what are we actually committing to?

Because even if they don't like flowers, people always love a little attention to detail

Relationships and a good ride (whether it's on the road, or on the track) have a lot in common, to me. Both are the most meaningful and magical when they are free to manifest themselves with you, the rider, providing input after processing the honest feedback of the bike. Trying to dictate the course or plan too much, or pitch the perfect line, or prepare and control and avoid and all of the other things we do when we are in the face of what is beyond our control is often what ruins the experience. Similarly, trying to be in too much control of a relationship oftentimes has the same effect.  Viktor Frankl (he's had some pretty insightful things to say), once said that love is a free act, we don't choose who or when we feel love for someone, but we choose how to act in the face of it.  That is the bottom line of a powerful truth right there.  If it wasn't, then so many people who are hurting could easily just choose not to love that person anymore; and as much as many people cop the attitude of "I hate that person," you all know that at any given moment in the depths of your soul what you really hate is the anguish and what you really feel is a love that is not able to manifest itself - but I've been known to be wrong about things.

When a ride goes bad, say in the case of crappy weather, or a minor (or major) mechanical failure, usually there isn't a lot we can do about it aside from limp ourselves to the next gas station or back to the pit area until we can come up with a better strategy for how to manage the variables of a very real situation.  We live in a culture, currently, that emphasizes the power of the pitch-line but none of the follow-through, integrity, honesty, character and work that is required to make a meaningful relationship last.  We live in a throw-away "me-culture" where if it doesn't meet our terms, we blow it off for something that will; paying no attention to what is uniquely amazing about the person we share the road with nor taking a hard look at how much of ourselves or our own standards that we throw away in the process.

Motor seized? No problem, here's a parking lot in front of a cheap tools store!

Sometimes you'd just rather watch the sunset with your bike

The thing about riding a motorcycle is that it has a different meaning to each and every person who rides.  What I get out of riding isn't going to be the same as either of my exes who rode.  It's as unique and personal as the person who experiences it.  Love is the same way.  To some people love is having a new play-thing to abuse (or "ride it like they stole it," yo).  To others it is a deep and meaningful experience where you actually establish some connection with another human being... or if it's a bike, a connection to the environment through the maneuvering and operation of a precision instrument. In either case, it's a craft that requires time, openness, honesty and work; it demands that we get over ourselves and look for the truth. When I see a motorcycle, I see an incredible machine with infinite potential (to me anyway) and my duty is to work to understand it and operate it in a manner that does not obstruct it's unique and precisely engineered function (or get me killed). It should come as no surprise that I view people the same way... except some of them aren't machines.

... and they say women are complicated

The fact that I view people as being unique and having a unique purpose is often one of my downfalls.  I tend to invest the benefit-of-the-doubt and continue working with people who have clearly defined their own terms for participation; developing an interpersonal craft isn't usually one of them but mostly because that would mean getting over themselves.  The difference between people and motorcycles is that motorcycles aren't self aware so they very seldom create problems on their own.  People, on the other hand, are self aware, intelligent, and emotional; we become programmed by our experiences and we behave according to the beliefs we have developed. As a result, people do unknowingly and knowingly create problems that can effect the dynamic of a relationship and oftentimes they do it with the best of intentions... for themselves, because if the best interest was yours, then they would kindly confer with you prior to making the decisions that result in the betrayal of your trust or love. This leaves you to sort through the circumstances and make a choice as to how to proceed. You love this person so you try to stick it out.  But what does it mean when you invoke the word love? Do you love them or do you love what they do for you?  There is one easy way to answer this question and it is to ask yourself how well you actually know them: If you had to help them overcome one confidence issue about their riding, what would it be?

I once had a friend who said it was completely irrational to declare love for someone that you haven't been in a relationship with for at least a year.  "How do you even know they are someone who bears the traits that you value?" My response to that was: "Because it isn't about me, or their conformity to my values, it's about appreciating what is unique and beautiful in them and their potential." I want to know who they are, but at any given moment they might reveal themselves to be a good candidate for my affection or they could reveal themselves to be a total asshole; it's a roll of the dice.  It doesn't mean we have to get married, it just means that I see them and I appreciate them in much the same way I appreciate a motorcycle; no two of them are exactly the same.

Or are they?

The other question which is true of riding and relationships is: what is it worth to me.  Is it worth the risk?  Is it worth the effort to rebuild this bike that I just crashed? What makes something or someone worthy of your investment?  I don't think we ask ourselves these questions enough in this society.  I think that the mainstream media is so obsessed with marginalizing and minimizing the value of it's own "consumers" that people, human beings, walk away with the impression that their comrades are commodities to be coveted and traded and that becomes the standard for what defines "love."  It's apparent, not only in divorce rates, but in everyday experiences had by people all over the world; people who are lied to, cheated on, screamed at and abused, abandoned and generally just pulled through a crap-storm of someone else's terms all for the sake of a solid meaningful interpersonal experience.  People don't play by the rules and they expect that their actions ought to be absolved by the fact that its the norm for people to behave in a manner that not only revokes another person's (arguably a person who supposedly means so much to you) right to make an informed decision, but it also reduces them to a novelty when you unfairly impose your own conditions for which you will treat them with honesty, respect, and ... love in a relationship.

Random internet meme sums it up perfectly

Try that strategy with a motorcycle and see what happens.  Try screaming at it, lying about the issue it has, or telling yourself that the crash wasn't caused by you... "it was the bike."  Let us all know how that works out for you, because 9 times out of 10 the people that I've heard use that line of reasoning usually either learn the error of their logic, or they wind up seriously injured or worse.

"Officer, it was the bike's fault, I swear!"

So the question remains: why do we do it in our relationships?  Why do we claim to place so much importance on finding the right person if we're never going to learn exactly how they function? When he was caught in a lie, I was once told by an ex that "I lied because I was ashamed." The fact that I didn't hold him accountable in the same way a bike would (by throwing his arse off on the side of a road) didn't really occur to me.  But I bet if it had been the case that he got thrown off of a bike after blaming the bike for his operator-errors, he probably wouldn't have tried to dish out that excuse again now would he?  Alas, we can't just go around locking up the front wheel and spilling our boyfriends and girlfriends off onto roadways because such behavior is frowned upon in a civilized society where it is much more acceptable to deceive, manipulate and abandon them.... or abuse them verbally when they aren't cooperating with your terms.  Gee... we are civilized aren't we?

So my point is this: there are good people out there and there are good reasons why you should date them. But the reasoning and justification isn't their burden to prove, per se. They are worthy of your investment until they prove otherwise through their actions because everyone is unique and amazing in their own way.  The world owes you nothing and as such people should learn to be responsible, mature, and appreciate other people for who they are, not what they do for you; whether it's riding a motorcycle, dressing the part, making you feel like a million bucks (if you can't feel that way on your own, no one is gonna be able to do it for you, my friends).

I'd like to think that I'll be sitting this year out, but no one can ever be certain about the circumstances that will unfold and the opportunities that arise; we just choose how we will respond.  So I will just say that I'll lay low for a while and see how it goes.  Best of luck to you all and I hope that your relationships thrive and your motorcycles ride.